random & stuff.

 

we have had lots of successful tummy time, followed by rolling over :)

she makes me laugh. and laughing is truly the best medicine.

. . .

on a separate note, i leave tomorrow for a 5 day vacation with my sisters and mom.  we are headed to sun, warm sand and crystal clear blues waters.  dreamy, right? well, see that little nugget up there? she is super dreamy too, and i am struggling right now.  my bags are packed and in them there are no baby clothes, no diapers and no massive pack n' play contraptions.  i have one small carry on & my breast pump (which i desperately wish i could leave behind, but it seems to follow me everywhere i go...). a part of me wants to sneak her on the plane with me, but i know i need to let go. everyone keeps saying, "it will be good for you and for her". i trust this. i have to trust this. it is the only thing that is allowing me to go, to thrust myself into this vacation without feeling so selfish. 

i sat in the glider last night sobbing as her little, soft, beautiful fingers grabbed onto my chest as she nursed and dozed off. she needs me i said to myself. i can't go. i just can't.

but what i know, deep in my heart is that i need her. my definition, my purpose in life has made such a huge shift in four short months.  molly four months ago needed molly. i was independent, mostly responsible for my happiness alone.  don't get me wrong, i am deep in a passionate and loving marriage, but at the end of the day, hank needs to be able to make himself happy and i the same.  our happiness combined makes our marriage flourish.

but then came lillian.

and things shifted, drastically.

my happiness now relies fully on her happiness.  so, if i think for a second she isn't happy, how could i be? i can't. i just can't.

so, realizing this trip was just around the corner (of which i booked while preggo), i began to think, she isn't going to happy if i am not here, which is going to make me miserable.

but she is going to be fine. heck, she is going to be smothered in love. from the most loving father a little girl could ask for, and her great aunt mary anne, who we are so lucky to have flying in just to watch her.

she is going to be happy. so happy.

now, i just need to release my fear and rest assured. 

she is happy and loved. 

so, with a bit of a knot in my heart, i will board that plane tomorrow. but that knot represents the deepest love. a love that i am now privileged to know.

em, megs & mom: lets party!

happy birthday to me!

 thanks to great friends,

and my amazing family,

this birthday was the shiznit. yup, i said shiznit. because, well, i hope lillian reads this someday (weird to think about though) so, i shouldn't swear. you know, to set a good example.

bedtime stories.

this has to be my new favorite time. hank gets homes, we bath our little water bug and then hank sits in the rocker, lillian in his lap and reads her a bedtime story. it melts my heart every time.

we got gifted a new book recently, called On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman.

tonight we sat all together and read the book to lillian, dogs included. it is in these small and sweet moments that i am so thankful.

surreal.

rocking my daughter to sleep in the room i grew up in, struggled hard in and healed in has been such a surreal experience.( if you haven't read my story, then you might not know what i am referring to.)

yesterday, as i lulled lillian to sleep i couldn't help but smile.  smile so big that a tear started to run down my cheek.  i am filled with pride, gratitude and love. surrounded by the room that i hid away in, i feel liberated.  i feel free. i feel like myself. i feel fully bloomed, expressed and open.

this is who i always wanted to be and now i am here.

wow.

there are so many that struggle like i did, and continue to do so today.  if any of you are reading this or ever do, keep fighting. as i always call it, "the other side" is there.  and it is oh so beautiful and rich.  it is a new beginning, a second chance and a whole new world, where your eyes are fully open, colors are bright and love is all around- esp. for yourself, the most important person in the world.

a new face.

notice anything?

i am so excited to share with you my new blog design created by the amazing caitlin at lark creatif. she is inspirational with her work, so sweet and just the nicest person to work with! thanks caitlin for all your hardwork and patience with me. i love it.

while caitlin has been hard at work making my amazing new header, lillian & i have been on vacation

 side note:: sometimes i wish i popped out a kid at 14 so i could have started this sham life a bit earlier. no joke, its straight up amazing! side note to my side note:: i am just kidding. sort of.

anywho, life with granne (aka my mom) is awesome. 

 

 

i love my little munchkin. and she loves the water!

catching up.

yeah! my internet is finally back up and running.  we had the craziest storms here in nashville in the middle of the night on monday.  we spent almost an hour in our "safe place" ie. our downstairs bathroom waiting out the storm which consisted of 70 mph winds, thunder, lighting, heavy rain and quarter-sized hail. sounded like someone was throwing marbles at our house. unreal. makes me so scared when i think of something happening to lillian...thankfully we are all ok, our neighborhood is a bit of a mess, but we have already lost all the tress on our property this tornado season, so we have nothing left to fall! craziness.

we have had a great beginning of the week, hanging with friends...

reading books...

and swimming in the pool :)

hank left for a golf vacation with all his friends this afternoon so lillian and i decided to head to CT for memorial day.  we leave tomorrow to hang with family :) so looking forward to it.

also went to the doctor on monday, lillian is almost fourteen pounds! and is ready to start food.  our pediatrician gave us all the information we would need to go the traditional route, but, as i am not always a traditionalist we are going to try baby led weaning which really just means lillian will let me know when she is ready to eat and what she eats, she chooses too! i will introduce a few foods at a time, one every four days or so.  she will have the opportunity to hold it and guide it to her own mouth, rather than being spoon fed.  this allows her to have fun, explore eating, chewing and eat with us at the table :) i hear it is quite a messy process, but can't wait.  she has just started to stick her tongue out at me, a sign she is in control of her tongue, one step closer to eating! 

i will continue to breastfeed of course in the meantime, and think it will probably closer to 6 mo or so before she is ready, but we will see :)  my friend heather is doing it with her baby girl summer, and as been so inspirational for me & lillian. thanks heather!

off to pack!

thank you, blog.

my dearest blog, thank you for reminding me to take pictures all the time so that i can have all the moments captured that i will cherish forever.