random & stuff.

 

we have had lots of successful tummy time, followed by rolling over :)

she makes me laugh. and laughing is truly the best medicine.

. . .

on a separate note, i leave tomorrow for a 5 day vacation with my sisters and mom.  we are headed to sun, warm sand and crystal clear blues waters.  dreamy, right? well, see that little nugget up there? she is super dreamy too, and i am struggling right now.  my bags are packed and in them there are no baby clothes, no diapers and no massive pack n' play contraptions.  i have one small carry on & my breast pump (which i desperately wish i could leave behind, but it seems to follow me everywhere i go...). a part of me wants to sneak her on the plane with me, but i know i need to let go. everyone keeps saying, "it will be good for you and for her". i trust this. i have to trust this. it is the only thing that is allowing me to go, to thrust myself into this vacation without feeling so selfish. 

i sat in the glider last night sobbing as her little, soft, beautiful fingers grabbed onto my chest as she nursed and dozed off. she needs me i said to myself. i can't go. i just can't.

but what i know, deep in my heart is that i need her. my definition, my purpose in life has made such a huge shift in four short months.  molly four months ago needed molly. i was independent, mostly responsible for my happiness alone.  don't get me wrong, i am deep in a passionate and loving marriage, but at the end of the day, hank needs to be able to make himself happy and i the same.  our happiness combined makes our marriage flourish.

but then came lillian.

and things shifted, drastically.

my happiness now relies fully on her happiness.  so, if i think for a second she isn't happy, how could i be? i can't. i just can't.

so, realizing this trip was just around the corner (of which i booked while preggo), i began to think, she isn't going to happy if i am not here, which is going to make me miserable.

but she is going to be fine. heck, she is going to be smothered in love. from the most loving father a little girl could ask for, and her great aunt mary anne, who we are so lucky to have flying in just to watch her.

she is going to be happy. so happy.

now, i just need to release my fear and rest assured. 

she is happy and loved. 

so, with a bit of a knot in my heart, i will board that plane tomorrow. but that knot represents the deepest love. a love that i am now privileged to know.

em, megs & mom: lets party!